It's Bastille Day Charlie Brown-Charlie Brown discovers his French heritage and is very proud. He discovers that he descended from both the Marquis de Sade and Maximilien Robespierre and wants to share his pride with the other students. Unfortunately, the other students are not impressed. Charlie himself decides to institute his own Committe of Public Safety and reintroduces the guillotine to punish all that come up against him. It takes his friend Linus, right after his sister Lucy loses her head, to help Charlie Brown come to understand the real beauty of the French Revolution and the concepts of libery, egality, and fraternity.

It's President's Day Charlie Brown-Charlie Brown and Linus are assigned a research paper on the American Presidents, and they both discover more about the president's than is taught in history books. They learn about the affairs, the STD's, and the back-stabbing that occured in the office. They discover that not all of the President's were as religious as they had been told and that many had deep dark secrets. Charlie Brown is really drawn to Warren G. Harding and his finished product tries to argue that he should be in the top 15 of all presidents, not the bottom 5. Linus is himself crushed and drinks himself into a stupor, turning in a vomit-tinged paper on how his teachers have decieved him, but that Richard Nixon was an amazing president.

It's Valentines Day Again Charlie Brown-After being dumped by the Little Red Haired Girl, Charlie Brown is in a funk, spending most of his days leading up to Valentines Day either drunk or stoned. Everyone around him has a date to the Valentines Day dance, even Snoopy and Woodstock are going with their dates. Charlie had dumped Lucy the year before, so she is off the list, and his on again off again with Peppermint Patty is again cold. He decides to walk into the party dateless and drunk railing against the evils of Valentines Day. Peppermint Patty feels sorry for him and takes him back for the night, with disasterous long-term effects. Now there is going to have to be a teenaged wedding and Charlie Brown will have to get a job...if he had only come prepared.

Its Cinquo De Mayo Charlie Brown-Charlie Browns second least-favorite holiday is occuring, and Charlie decides to lock himself in his room and drink. As a proud French-American, he will not celebrate an anti-French holiday.

It's Labor Day Charlie Brown-Militant communist Linus organizes a Karl Marx parade through downtown, which only Sally attends do to her love for him. Linus is then arrested for his ways and locked in a military prison in Kansas. While there, he writes a new manifesto and plans to follow through, until Sally tells him of her pregnancy and he has to find a job and work for the machine. Feeling bad for selling out, Linus turns to watching romantic comedies, since if he is selling out, he might as well go all out.

It's Canada Charlie Brown-Charlie Brown and the gang go up to Canada as soon as their passports arrive. They have heard stories of how friendly the women there are and they want to take advantage of it, that and the lower drinking age. While there, they are mistaken for a violent gang and are chased throughout the provinces. Will they be able to escape back to the United States or spend their lives in a Canadian prison.

It's the Real Housewives of the Peanuts Charlie Brown-The men of the Peanuts are trying to deal with their overbearing wives and their insane habits. Linus ended up marrying Sally when she faked a pregnancy, and a year later, she actually was pregnant. She is way too clingy and wants to be around him constantly, which drives him to have an affair with town librarian Marcie, who has actually turned into a beautiful adulterer. Rerun and Shroeder actually have the best marriage of their friends, and entertain with lavish parties that everyone can enjoy. Pigpen married Lucy and regrets it every day of his life. Snoopy married a great dane, they rent out a room to Woodstock, who in turn married a Robin. Franklin went to Harvard and became a professor out there. He married a brilliant attorney and they and their children have never been back. Charlie Brown had originally married Lucy, but that ended quickly after his affairs with the no longer little red haired girl and Peppermint Patty. He then married Peppermint Patty who grew up to be a Victoria's Secret model. While she may want to blow lots of money shopping, Charlie Brown is rich and she is hot, so its all good.

I know it may sound strange to people, but I find most sports to be boring. I enjoy University of Miami football, and that is about it.

I grew up loving sports, watching the NBA, college basketball, and NFL football. I guess it was expected of you. As I grew older though, I lost interest. Many of the sports would go on strike, even though they were making lots of cash. That is no way to reach out to the fans. After the last NBA strike and the Indiana Pacers (who had been my favorite team) traded Al Harrington (my favorite player) for players not worth the trade, that was it for me.

Regardless, I see people glued to the t.v., watching their games. If it is Sunday, they are there all day watching the NFL, even if they have no routing interest in either team. I don't really understand that.

I used to go see the Florida Panthers of the NHL play when I was living in Florida. I know little of the NHL now. I've been to NBA games in Denver, Miami, and Indianapolis. Now I don't care.

I also don't understand getting into minor league play. I respect that the people are trying to move up, but am not interested. In Fort Wayne, where I grew up, people followed the Fort Wayne Komets, a minor league hockey team. They used to be in a pretty decent league, with guys who could move up to the NHL. Now they are in a low league with no real hopes of the NHL. Regardless, people pay what I would consider too much money to watch them play. If you went once or twice a year, that is fine, but all of the time.

Basically people, get a new hobby. If it is Halloween, put on a mask and go to a party, don't watch football. If it is Thanksgiving, don't wast

After the success of my last Charlie Brown post, I thought I would add more specials.

You Are Going To Have Daddy Issues Charlie Brown: During Christmas Dinner, Charlie Brown's dad admits he is interested in pursuing an alternative lifestyle and walks out on the family. On the way out, he hits Snoopy, who will have to spend the next year in a wheelchair being pushed around by his little friend Woodstock. Charlie Brown was already down since he didn't get the Red Ryder B B Gun he so longer for, and now this, and what did his dad mean by an alternative lifestyle. His father returns one year later after his gender reassignment surgery. Christmas is never going to be the same.

It's Franklin Charlie Brown: Besides being the only minority in the Peanuts gang, Franklin also has the biggest secret. It turns out that he is from a planet far away, and sent to Earth to save its beings from themselves. Franklin is the mighty superhero known as the Amazing Flying Non-Blockhead. How can the captain of the debate team and class valedictorian hide his secret identity? And will the mighty Lucy, his worst foe, find out his secret and destroy the world?

You Are Going To Need Penicillin For That Charlie Brown: Popular High School Senior Charlie Brown not only got to go on a date with his dream girl, the little red headed girl, but was able to go all the way in the back seat of the car his dad bought him out of guilt. Little did he know that the little red headed girl was the dream girl of all the other boys in town. Now Charlie Brown has come down with a case of the Clap. Charlie goes to the school nurse about a rash when he gets the news. How is he going to tell Lucy and Peppermint Patty that they might need to see the school nurse too?

It's President's Day Charlie Brown: It's President's Day in the small and cold Minnesota town of the Peanuts gang, which means only one thing, the President's Day killer is back. Every year this cold-blooded madman dons the mask of a different president. This year he picks the scariest of all, Jimmy Carter, and kills Shroeder and Rerun as they celebrate their one year anniversary together. Charlie Brown calls up the Scooby Gang to solve the mystery. After developing a trap that almost costs Charlie Brown the use of a few body parts, they catch the killer. It turns out to be Pig Pen's dad, who is sacrificing the souls to a demonic pig on the family farm. He is mad that he was stopped by the meddling blockheads.

It's Called Birth Control Charlie Brown: Charlie Brown decides to leave Lucy and begins to date Marcie after she fills out and starts dressing like a tramp. After a few months, Marcie discovers that she is about 10 days late and Charlie Brown freaks out. Will they end up on the next season of 16 and Pregnant.

It's Saint Patrick's Day Charlie Brown: It's Saint Patrick's Day, and Linus has found a pot of gold. Being a good friend, he passes out some of the gold coins to his friends. Now comes our little friend in the green suit, the Leprecaun, and he is mad as hell wanting his gold. This time though, he brings his friends from the hood. Will the Peanut's gang be able to survive the Leprecaun, Ice T, and Ice Cube? Will Franklin appear as his superhero alter ego and save the day and send the Leprecaun back into space?

Wrestling Isn't Real Charlie Brown: Charlie Brown goes to Saint Paul to watch Hulk Hogan and the other stars of wrestling, but is crushed when he finds out it isn't real. In his dejection, he spirals out of control and enters into a drug filled frenzy. He later determines that he will make wrestling real and starts to load up on steriods. He then takes on a famous wrestler during an exhibition is his small town, killing him and eating his heart. Charlie Brown's last words before his trip to prison are "Steroids are Good."

It's Your First Orgy Charlie Brown: Wanting to spice up their dull love life, head cheerleader Peppermint Patty invites sexy librarian assistant Marcie to join her and Charlie Brown in a little extracurricular activity. The three are never the same after that night.

It's Beavis and Butthead Charlie Brown: The two psychotic misanthropes from Texas accidentally take a bus and end up in Minnesota. They both think Charlie Brown and Franklin are kinda cool but Shroeder and Linus are bungholes. After going after every girl in town, they are both able to score with Lucy. Unfortunately scoring with Lucy also means a bad case of the crabs. On their way out of town, Beavis manages to burn down the entire downtown, and leads the Peanuts in a chant of "Fire...Fire...Fire."

Fear and Loathing and the Peanuts: Charlie Brown and Linus take an old convertible from Minnesota and down route 66. They have brought a whole trunk full of booze and drugs to get through the trip. From doing acid one moment, while downing a few beers, to inhaling ether, and smoking lots of pot, the two discover that the American dream is not all that it seems and that there are a hell of a lot of annoying bats along the way. Oh, what a long strange trip its

As I drive my small car through the lifeless city, through the monuments lacking any real reason, purpose, or place, past the souless plains of suburbia, I ask myself, what the hell is the American Dream.

Most Americans seem content to drive a big truck, have a new house built in suburbia, and eat wings and watch sports on a weekend night at a lifeless chain restaurant. They have 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat (actually that isn't too bad), and their anxiety is mostly about in-laws and who should be the winner of Dancing With The Stars. They save money and go without often so if they live to be 65, they can retire in Florida or Arizona. Unfortunately, they will probably never have the chance to retire as the next generation of miscreants will most likely have us put to sleep by the time we hit 65 or 70 unless we are able to prove our worth to these creatures whose idea of communication if a fucking text message.

So often I feel like I am walking amongst a group of mindless drones that don't know how to think for themselves. They are the consumer obsessed. They will only buy certain brands, even if they suck. They love going to Applebee's, thinking that the menu is amazing (how many souless restaurants have the same damn menu). They desire to live in the suburbs, in some non-descript addition at the end of a cul-de-sac. Here they can engage in mindless gossip with the neighbors. They stick to suburban churches, those that feel more like an auditorium or a gymnasium than a church, lacking any real character, then their lives also lack character. They actually watch local news, not paying attention to what goes on at the national level. They ramble on about how sacred marriage is, yet are on their second, or third marriage.

I obviously abhor such a lifestyle. I want excitement and adventure. I want to see new places and new things. I want life to have character, culture, meaning. I don't wish to be an android of mass-marketing. A small car is fine, put the money into dinner at off the wall hidden treasures. An apartment is fine, but an old house in the country or city would do fine. Brick is better than pre-fabricated death attached to two-by-fours. Marriage is important, but with a person who brings out the best in you, not the worst.

Surrounding yourself with eccentric, artistic or adventurous people is better than idle gossip at the end of the cul-de-sac. Sorry, life in the cul-de-sac is nothing like Knott's Landing or Desperate Housewives, although many of the housewives are lacking in their home life and sneak away for a forbidden tryst.

So, what is the American dream. I feel that the idea of American celebrates the individual. That is our shining example, but now, we have lost the sense of the individual. The drones are out there trying to be like everyone else. We might as well be China with the sense of the collective, since there is such a collective in the national consciousness. This must change is we are to move ahead. Our consumer cultures puts chains, which also lack the individuality over the mom and pop places.

So, as I drive along the edges of the wasteful desert of suburbia, I pray that I never become like the androids that are trapped in our American version of purgatory for the rest of their meanin